Friday, January 28, 2005

Alone in the Theater 

I get a perverse, sadistic glee when a newly released movie is so overwhelmingly awful. Think Gigli or Pluto Nash. It's so much fun to read Rotten Tomatoes, because movie critics attempt to outdo each other tearing the offending movie into bloody little pieces. The latest mental assault on the moviegoing public is entitled Alone in the Dark, which gets a lofty 1 positive review out of 32 on the Rotten Tomatoes site. Here is a sampling of critics', ahem, "opinions."

"...films like "Battlefield Earth" and "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" await a film of this magnitude because it gets awfully lonely on the island of misfit movies."
-- Jeffrey Lyles, GAZETTE (MD)

"Too stupid to watch, too loud to nap through, Alone in the Dark shows just how tenuous Plan Nine From Outer Space's hold on that 'worst movie ever' title really is."

"Actually has an entire group of adults call out to a lost comrade, 'Marco!' What does he expect the audience to do when they hear that? I mean, come on."
-- Fred Topel, ABOUT.COM

Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."
-- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

This is jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, 'I-can't- believe-someone- made-this-crap' badness we're dealing with."
-- Dustin Putman, THEMOVIEBOY.COM

No, I'm not going to see it. I don't plan on getting that drunk anytime soon. Why should I? I was just more entertained than if I watched the thing, and I still have the nine bucks in my pocket.

The next few weeks look to be the same. The "highlight" should be the movie Boogeyman. In its commercials, the movie attempts to establish credibility by mentioning it came from the same people who made The Grudge. Oh yes, I'm going to race out the door and see that. More unintentional comedy to ensue, I'm sure.

UPDATE: I see I'm not the only one beating Alone in the Dark and its director Uwe Boll like a rented mule.

That is what Blockbuster or Netflix are for. You can borrow it for $5.00 and watch the horror over many days. Hell, I own "The Day After Tomorrow", but I haven't even seen it all yet. I consider it a movie that I wouldn't have paid $7.50 for either.
--CTG's Darling Husband
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